Saturday, July 30, 2011

Caffeinated OC Mommy is Coolest of the Cool!

Hello my Dear Friend... Happy to have you here! Let me fill your cup while you come and sit down as I’ve got some exciting news to share... I have been awarded yet again for my fabulousness from my Darling Friend Dawn (Most of you know her as Vapid Vixen or as I lovingly call her, VV) over at the Ginja Ninja. She’s a single hottie looking for love in Utah and needs a man that can cook! She’s never shared this with me personally, but after witnessing some of her kitchen disasters (in the form of several photos) and reading about her online dating experiences (oh, poooor Dear), I thought I’d help my Gal out... So if you know of a Prince Charming (or Bobby Flay) living somewhere in Utah, send them to VV!

Now, as with all awards there are rules. Okay, you know me and rules... rules schmules! Let’s have some fun with this and make up the rules as we go... oh yes! I LIKE this idea!

#1- Link the person back who awarded you and make sure you write how HOT they are
#2- Share 5 of your favorite 80’s bands
#3- Answer the following questions below
#4- Pass this award on to 10 of the coolest blogs you know as this is the Butterfly Award and saved for the coolest of the cool

Favorite 80’s Bands
1.  Oingo Boingo
2. The Cure
3. Men at Work
4. Bow Wow Wow
5. Def Leopard

Are you an awesome blogger?
You bet!
Are you a hottie?
Why yes I am!
Are you fabulous?

Okay Darling, now for the passing of the award. I’ve changed my mind about how I want to do this... I’ve decided that if you want this “coolest blog award” and you’re reading my stuff, you must be cool already! So instead of me choosing, how about you tell me how fabulous you are, then kindly thank me and grab your award and display it proudly on your blog and tell all your readers that Caffeinated OC Mommy is HOT! 

Oh yeah Baby, Caffe ROCKS! Hmmm, do you think I had a bit more caffeine than normal? Yes, yes I have... cut me off and unplug the pot... Until next time Lovey, Ta Ta and Congratulations on your award... stay as cool as I know you are!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What Do I Know About TP???

Welcome, welcome Darling, I'm glad you're here as I'm always delighted when you come to visit!  It has been an absolute madhouse around here preparing my gorgeous self for a couple of upcoming, big social events and I need to sit down and catch my breath... let me fill your cup and I'll refill mine and let's chat about this coming Thursday...

I'm going out with the Swiffers Thursday night and I haven't had a good Mommys' Night Out in quite a long time.  As we all know, it's always difficult to get a dozen women together in the same room without children or a husband's schedule interfering into the mix and there is always someone missing from the group.  Ahhhh, MIA, missing from the group brings many fond memories to my mind as it's something that you never want to do in this group unless you want TP on your hedges!  Oooops!  Did I just say that?  I mean, toliet... no... paper... tea time... uhhh... okay... alright, I'll 'fess up!

It all started when half of our group didn't show up to play bunko one Friday night and between who was there, the chatting began... bits and pieces of information was starting to gel together and we all figured out that one of the galz was having a surprise birthday party for her hubby.  Now we all understand that these events happen and sometimes even on a bunko night, can't be helped... but where were the rest of the galz?  Hmmm... oh yes, one husband is a friend of the other husband and the next husband is friend of... well, you know where I'm going with this.  Then the fingers start to fly and the texts were going out left and right... by the time the texting was done, we knew exactly who was at the birthday party and who left their homes unattended.  Heee, heeee, heeee... I wonder how many rolls of TP will be needed to cover Dr. R's house?  Shall we find out? 

So if you ever decide to go out and TP your friend's house (how old are we again?), I have a few tips that will help complete your mission...

  • Do bring a roll of TP for each member to participate, remember, it's teamwork after all.
  • Don't decide at the last minute that you're not going to play and then everyone starts throwing their TP in your direction and now we are wasting time and throwing TP in front of the neighbor's window.
  • Do throw the TP high in the air so that it gets waaaay up in the tall tree.
  • Do try to be as quiet as possible so the neighbors don't hear you.
  • Don't scream when the TP is falling to the ground from the tall tree and just misses your head.
  • Do TP every single hedge you see and if you feel like TPing the fountain, Don't fall in and yell, "Awww sh#t!  These are my favorite shoes!"
  • Do go quickly as we don't want the neighborhood dogs to start barking.
  • Don't stand in the middle of the yard wondering how to decorate that rose bush and start trying to make everything look symmetrical, this is not a showing for the real estate buyers, Ms. Chess Piece!
  • DO turn off you cell phone that plays Livin' La Vida Loca on extra loud because you can never hear your phone when your hubby is calling and on this particular night, the whole neighborhood now knows your favorite song. 
  • And finally, Don't leave the car doors open so that the light stays on and everyone who is peeking out of their windows in the 'hood can see exactly who is decorating your good friend's home.

So that my Dear Friend is the first of many little mischievous adventures with the Swiffers.  We did eventually crash the birthday party, stole all their TP from their master bath and used it to TP the birthday boy's house.  Well, at least it wasn't a CMB (chicken milk bomb) that was left in his attic, that my Darling is for another story...

Thursday night will be here shortly... I wonder how many rolls of toilet paper will fit in the back of the car?  Oh, never mind... My my, my cup is empty, and I still need to figure out which lipstick I'll be wearing for Thursday night!  Come back again and we'll chat about something other than TOLIET PAPER.  Until next time my Darling, Ta Ta!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Caffeinated OC Mommy Has Been Nominated... They LOVE Me!

Hello my Darling, it's always such a pleasure when you stop by!  I've got a special blend of, 'I Can't Believe I've Been Nominated!!' to fill your cup.  Sit down and make yourself comfy as I can't wait to share...

I was contacted by Julie from Circle of and apparently, they love Ugly Butt Cracks too!!  She informed me that I was nominated for the Top 25 SoCal Mom Blogs... Yippee!!!  Put your hands in the AEYER, and wave 'em like you just don't care!  Yes Lovey, I'm excited and I'm celebrating by purchasing a brand new lipstick (or 2, 3, maybe 4)... of course.  Now this is where my shameless begging begins, see that circle looking button on the top right hand corner?  Ah huh, yep, that one that says Circle of Moms, vote for me?  You see it?  That's it.  Please click on it whenever you come to visit me until August 11th, scroll down and find my pretty little button and vote.  You can vote once everyday if you like and quite honestly, I'm just tickled to be on the list.

So that's my news and I wanted to share, because you my Dearest, have encouraged me with all of your wonderful comments that you leave for me.  Cups Up my Sweet!  Ta Ta!

P.S. VV, I didn't forget... and I'll write that post soon.  xoxo

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Talk of the OC... Sexy Style for a MILF Named, "Caffe"

Hello my Dear Friend, absolutely thrilled that you are here!  Come sit down and let me pour you a warm cup of ‘I need to make sure I look HOT’ and let’s see what we can come up with...
Yes Darling, I’ve got several social engagements coming up and one in particular that needs my full attention on the MILF factor.  The first is a “Swiffer” event and all of the hottest MILFs from my ‘hood’ will be in attendance.  I’m not particularly worried about my fashion choice for this get together as the girlz all know exactly how hot I am and as long as I have my long, tan legs to bare, they’ll know I mean business!  And the business at hand will be at a club with an 808 bump that we “Swiffers” can move our hips to.  I’m sure there’ll be some jealous types at the party, but give them a shot of Stoli Elit and I’m sure they’ll warm up.  I’ll give you all the delicious details next week after this little soiree is just a faint memory and all gossiping has come to subside.  They'll gossip.  They always gossip about the “Swiffers.”

Now this next event is the one that needs me to play the Sex Goddess role, well, I don’t really need to play the role, but I do need to look absolutely, extra-specially, MILFy on my Hubby’s arm and make all those other execs wish they were going home with me...  So with that in mind, this is where I need YOU!  “Oh Caffe, you’re so wonderfully stylish already, why in the world would you ever need my advice?”  Because Lovey, you’re on my side and what fun we could have over the next few weeks planning my strategy of becoming the MILF that everyone is talking about!  So now that you know what I’m up to, please leave me some of your sexy style tips.  I want to look glamorous with a hint of mischievous naughtiness... no hussy look for me, and I’m not interested in looking like one of those ‘housewives’.... Oh my... my cup is empty, but I do have to run.  I have much preparing ahead of me... Ta Ta Darling and we’ll chat real soon.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Dos & Don'ts of the Summertime Mommy... The Sequel

Hello my Darling, always delighted when you stop by.  Come and sit down as I’ve got lots on my mind and I’ve brewed us a fresh pot of ‘What the Heck Are They Thinking?’  So let me fill your cup and let’s get started, I’ve got Mommy Lessons headed your way...
With the daily calendar pages flipping by so quickly and everyone busy, busy with their  summer schedules, Mommys are loosing their ability to act like responsible Mommys and I think the summer heat has something to do with it.  It seems to me that these Mommys have forgotten their Mommy roles and can’t find where they’ve placed it.  I’ve observed many empty-headed Mommys this summer from traveling to shopping to the parking lot, the restaurants, the mall... oh my stars, I’m seeing them everywhere and we have to do something about it as they are responsible for the upbringing of a future generation!
So I’m here to remind them (please pass this information along to the appropriate Mommys) that they are being held accountable by the COCM to take care of these matters and start behaving like a a good Mommy should.  I’d like to offer them a good swift kick in the as...s... butt to start up their brains and become more focused on doing what’s right for the whole.  I know my legs are long and gorgeous, but they’re not long enough to reach these Mommys who really need to feel the bottom of my foot.  So I guess I’ll get through to them with this post.  Here we go...
DO buy your preteen daughter a nice dress for the occasion.
DON’T go to La Diva, the store that dresses the Housewives of OC, and dress your preteen in a dress that says, “I’m a mini Gretchen Rossi and I’ll sleep with my best friend’s boyfriend!” 
DO be on time and pick up your children from their summer sports activities and wait in the car line that you can clearly see, is forming.
DON’T pretend that you are driving a compact car when you’re driving a "green" Ford Expedition and block the entire front entrance and the car line so that no one else can pass safely and now you’ve created a total traffic jam in the parking lot.
DO let your children be creative with their fashion choices for the summer.
DON’T let them leave out of the house looking like an MTV video with their pants hanging at knee level.  No one is interested in viewing what brand undies they have on and quite frankly, that particular fashion statement makes one look like they need their Mommy to help them dress.
DO go on outings with your teen daughter and her friend.
DON’T dress like them!  For goodness sakes, please be considerate of those of us that have to look at you and roll our eyes because you’ve decided to wear what Taylor Swift is currently wearing and your 40 something body is a dead give away that you’re not 22 and it just makes you look very.... OLD.  Find your own style and you’ll find that you’ve taken off 10 years from your age.
DO go on family trips and prepare yourself and your children for your inflight experience.
DON’T get on the airplane, block the aisle and slow down the entire boarding process while trying to figure out where your kids are supposed to sit.  When you receive your boarding passes and you see that the seat assignments are all over the place and you have little ones traveling with you, DON’T separate yourself from your children!  Really?  You’re really going to leave your 6 year old sitting between two strangers on a 2 hour flight?  Talk to the agent, talk to the flight attendant, but NEVER separate yourself from your little ones when traveling. 
Yes my Friend, I have witnessed all these little gems over the past few weeks and after revisiting them in my mind, I need a spa treatment to remove all toxins from my well kept body.  As a matter of fact, I need to set up my appointment right now... So excuse me and help yourself to more... We drank it all?  In that case, off you go... shoooo... until next time my Sweetness, Ta Ta!  

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Butt Crack

Hello my Dear Friend... I’m SO happy you’re here!  I’m feeling a bit “behind” and I’ve brewed a fresh pot to catch us up just for this occasion.  Come sit down and let me fill your cup.

Doing my errands the other day with Littlest in tow, we were walking through the parking lot approaching the entrance to one of my favorite places to purchase lipsticks peanut butter.  A couple of women, mid 20ish or so, were in front of us and all of a sudden with no time to run, I realized to my horror that we were being bumm-barded!  I looked at Littlest to see if there was a reaction or if her eyes were still working properly... She turned toward me and had a look of dismal surprise and confusion (like the day I first saw the Winnebago in Kansas) and informed me ever so calmly with words uncommon for a small child, “Mom, that’s just horrendous.”  And as if on cue, the very moment Littlest announced her bewildered displeasure, the one woman in front of us bent over, made a squatty little maneuver and adjusted her pants. I’m not sure if she is at all familiar with her rear view, but wearing a short top with tight, low, very looow, lower than the plumber wears his pants, and no sign of undies in sight (although the site of undies would have been worse, in fact a thong would have probably killed Littlest) is actually very scary for any human being to take, EVER!
Not only was her crack-a-lantern showing like the Colorado River running through the Grand Canyon, but globs of white butt cheek blobbed out and over the sides of her skin tight pants.  Now I’m not an astronomer, and have never wanted to be one, but I now found myself studying Uranus or should I say “Heranus” and the moon that surrounded it.   Again, I am not a scientist but at that moment I came to believe that the “moon” really is made of  Cheese!  This woman was completely oblivious to the fact that she had a poor, defenseless, audience behind her...  “Eeeewww!  Mom!  That’s just wretched!  That’s HORRIBLE!”  “Don’t look at it directly Darling, it will burn your soul!”
Hours later... days later, we’re still talking about the “incident.”  We even have a name for these types of encounters now, “The Butt Crack Chronicles- A Tale of Two Loaves” and “The Butt Cracks and the People Who Wear Them, The Sequel”, a sequel I hope to never see.  It’s gotten to the point that we now reminisce about all our unfortunate and unnecessary meetings with anything that resembles, looks like, could possibly be... a butt crack.  Oh YEA.  What’s a Mommy like me to do except buy more lipsticks?  
So with this tale of “ twin cheeks” out in the open, the very wide open, I suggest looking in the mirror before you leave the house.  And please, pleeease, just say, “NO!” to crack. 
My cup is empty and honestly, I don’t think I could stomach another cup!  So off you go but before you leave, turn around... let me have a look... okay, good.  No crack showing.  You’re free to leave.  Ta Ta Darling, have a Fabulous Day! 

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Floozy Fix- LMAO Blogs & The Women Behind Them

Welcome, welcome... So nice to have you here my Darling!  I’ve brewed a fresh pot of 'How to make a Floozy Happy'... so sit down and while you’re at it grab a kleenex ... I don’t want anything shooting out of your nose... Miranda... 
Now that it’s out in the open that I’m an out-and-out Blog Floozy, I thought you might want to know where my rendezvous have been taking place and where I’ve been playfully commenting.  My favorite blogs are the ones that make me laugh out loud and I’m usually not wearing waterproof mascara and by the time I’m done reading, I’m just a mess, but I guess raccoon eyes are much better than those that need to squeeze their legs tightly to keep their pant-ie..s.. oh, you know where I’m going with this and besides, I’m going off track and boy, what a lonnnnggg sentence for such an easy explanation!!  ...and BREATHE... 
You’ve noticed the name Miranda up above.  I know your name is not Miranda (unless it’s you Miranda reading right now), but you have to know the reason I wrote the name Miranda.  Miranda is the mind behind, Frantic Ravings of a Mother, and  has a section on her blog called, “How To: Shoot Coffee Through Your Nose.”  Okay, I’ll bite...  This Mommy talks about her daily adventures  raising her 3 boys and the chaos that ensues.  Yes Darling, we’ve all seen these blogs before, but Miranda’s posts really aren’t supposed to be funny when it is happening.  Not funny for her, but definitely funny to me because I’m not the one cleaning up pee all over the bathroom or sounding off the house alarm by pressing the panic button. Hopefully at the end of her day, after she sucks down a bottle of bourbon, Miranda will find the humor and realize that one day, she’ll be able to have her grown boys read her blog and they will know exactly why their Mommy drinks like a fish and cusses like a sailor.
The next stop on my addictive quest for a good laugh, or at minimum a huge smile, is GGM’s place.  That’s my loving nickname for her, most know her as Janae, or the title of her blog, Diaries of a Grumpy Grateful Mom.  She is a Mommy of 4, a Mormon, and extremely addicting to read.  I had to put Mormon in there because she has taught me that Mormons go to church for 3 hours on Sundays and if you are anywhere for 3 hours with 4 kids in tow,  you can imagine the antsy, mind wandering and sometimes small child getting away tales that she has to offer.  When I see “church” in her post title as I’m going through my Google Reading List, I know that there will be a funny post waiting for me to read.
My most recent victim find and I’m SO delighted that I found her so I can stalk leave flirty little comments and hopefully she’ll love me the way I love her is Dawn over at The Ginja Ninja.  Just her profile name, Vapid Vixen, makes me feel like I’ve known her for a very long time and even though the definition is boring, quarrelsome woman, it actually sounds much more sexier without the true dictionary meaning and honestly, I haven’t found her to be boring at all.  On the contrary, this new member of Club Divorce is funny, and makes me laugh at all her single gal dilemmas such as how come she doesn’t look like a Victoria Secret’s model when she orders their products and an in depth look into the world of online dating that exposes me to a topic that I've only seen on TV commercials but now I find hilarious because I actually know (well, I’m still in the flirting stage) someone who’s tried it.  She is the single gal that you want to cheer for and hope that one day she'll find her Prince Charming and a happily, ever after.

So there you have it my Dear Friend, my LMAO blog(s) fix for this addicted Floozy in bright crimson lipstick.  Well, the pot is empty yet again, I'll brew more the next time you come for a visit.  I need to go now and fix my lipstick and powder my nose... always trying to look my best when flirting...  Ta Ta for now, and have a Happy Day my Lovely! 

P.S. I forgot to mention, if you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you'll see blogs that I like to flirt with.  I haven't figured out how to put these buttons on a separate page, if you know how to do that, I'd love to learn.  xoxo

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Floozy on the Loose... Am I SO Wrong?

Well Helloooo my Dear Friend, how are you?  Yes, I know it’s been awhile and you’ve probably been wondering what I’ve been up to.  Come sit down and let me fill your cup...
All this time you may have thought I was unpacking from my trip to Kansas, and maybe that’s why I haven’t been around.  ‘Gee, Caffe sure is taking a long time unpacking her lipsticks...’  I have a confession for you.  A little secret that I hope you won’t judge me harshly when you find out.  I’ve been, well, I’m trying to be lady like and all, but there’s no way to get this out without the possibility of being viewed as... loose.  Or should I say, promiscuous?  ‘I wonder where she could be now?  Or who she’s with?’  Oh no, I’m not that naughty, maybe a little mischievous at times but hardly promiscuous, at least not in my mind... Help me my Darling to answer the question that is burning inside of me tinged with guilt... Is it so wrong of me to love more than one?  Can’t I have as many as I want and not feel like I’m betraying the other?  Yes!  Yes, I will love them all and not care what anyone thinks of me!  I can’t help it, I am addicted and I want more!  I am a Google Friend Connect Floozy!  There, I said it.  I said it and I’m not taking it back!
I can’t control myself, I love all these varieties of blogs and the triumphant feelings I get when I push that little Follow button... ahhhhh... the power to make someone smile when they see my pretty little picture and that I, that little ‘ol me, can elevate someone’s day with a push of my finger.  Wow, now that I put it that way, I can make this whole GFC thing sound quite sexy!  Now I’m not a one night stand kind of gal, push the button and run...  I like it a little more playful, leave a comment here, leave a comment there, entice my new found friend and hope for them to stop by and join me for a cup of something friendly.  And when they do, they always do... WHAMO!  I tell them all about Monkey Repellant!  How can you not like monkey repellant?
Now that I have confessed to you my addictive behavior for anything that is a blog, you’ll understand why I get so lost in the BlogSphere, forgetting myself and enjoying my many rendezvous of the online world where it’s okay if my lipstick doesn’t match my outfit and my behavior is actually accepted by our fellow bloggers.  So if you happen to stop by and you haven’t heard from me in a bit, don’t be alarmed, I’m probably out and about playfully commenting and enjoying using my finger!  Oh darn, the pot is empty... stop by another time and I’ll fill your cup with more confessions, more laughter and of course, more of me!  Have a wonderful day my Sweet... Ta Ta!  

Friday, July 1, 2011

No Flying Monkeys, but LOTS of Hairy Backed Mullets!

Hellooooo my Darling, I’ve returned to the OC and I have survived Kansas!  Sit down and let me pour you a fresh cup of ‘I’m SO happy to be home!’
The midwest has changed this OC Mommy’s perspective of small town America and I now have a new understanding and appreciation for Jeff Foxworthy’s many jokes!  So with that in mind, I would like to share with you a few little interesting tidbits that caught my attention and nearly made my eyeballs pop out of my head.  There really ought to be a Dos & Don’ts for middle America, so I think I will list a few here... 
Do wear T-shirts and shorts when the weather is hot.
Do Not go shirtless, with a hairy back sporting a mullet and Oakley blades riding on a motorized scooter in front of the post office in the middle of Cotton Wood Falls. 
Do use bug repellant and spray where and when needed.
Do Not use bug repellant like a bottle of Coco Chanel and no, it does not replace your daily bath.
Do take care of your yard with nicely pruned trees and flowering shrubs.
Car(s) on blocks with no tires and rusted, broken down refrigerators Do Not make nice decor by your mailbox.
Do have a healthy diet of fresh vegetables and fruit.  
Cotton candy and baked beans Do Not count as fine dining and the sushi found in the cooler known as minnows just don’t cut it!
Looking at this very short list, I’m wondering how on earth I made it through with my lipstick still intact! But I must admit, the beauty of the Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve was absolutely heavenly!  If you get the chance to go, take the tour bus with Ranger Eric Patterson as he will give you a new view on why the prairies and buffalos are so important for this part of our country.
Well, my cup is empty and I still have to unpack my favorite lipsticks... so off you go.  Until next time my Sweet...  Ta Ta!

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