Hello my Dear Friend... I’m SO happy you’re here! I’m feeling a bit “behind” and I’ve brewed a fresh pot to catch us up just for this occasion. Come sit down and let me fill your cup.
Doing my errands the other day with Littlest in tow, we were walking through the parking lot approaching the entrance to one of my favorite places to purchase lipsticks peanut butter. A couple of women, mid 20ish or so, were in front of us and all of a sudden with no time to run, I realized to my horror that we were being bumm-barded! I looked at Littlest to see if there was a reaction or if her eyes were still working properly... She turned toward me and had a look of dismal surprise and confusion (like the day I first saw the Winnebago in Kansas) and informed me ever so calmly with words uncommon for a small child, “Mom, that’s just horrendous.” And as if on cue, the very moment Littlest announced her bewildered displeasure, the one woman in front of us bent over, made a squatty little maneuver and adjusted her pants. I’m not sure if she is at all familiar with her rear view, but wearing a short top with tight, low, very looow, lower than the plumber wears his pants, and no sign of undies in sight (although the site of undies would have been worse, in fact a thong would have probably killed Littlest) is actually very scary for any human being to take, EVER!
Not only was her crack-a-lantern showing like the Colorado River running through the Grand Canyon, but globs of white butt cheek blobbed out and over the sides of her skin tight pants. Now I’m not an astronomer, and have never wanted to be one, but I now found myself studying Uranus or should I say “Heranus” and the moon that surrounded it. Again, I am not a scientist but at that moment I came to believe that the “moon” really is made of Cheese! This woman was completely oblivious to the fact that she had a poor, defenseless, audience behind her... “Eeeewww! Mom! That’s just wretched! That’s HORRIBLE!” “Don’t look at it directly Darling, it will burn your soul!”
Hours later... days later, we’re still talking about the “incident.” We even have a name for these types of encounters now, “The Butt Crack Chronicles- A Tale of Two Loaves” and “The Butt Cracks and the People Who Wear Them, The Sequel”, a sequel I hope to never see. It’s gotten to the point that we now reminisce about all our unfortunate and unnecessary meetings with anything that resembles, looks like, could possibly be... a butt crack. Oh YEA. What’s a Mommy like me to do except buy more lipsticks?
So with this tale of “ twin cheeks” out in the open, the very wide open, I suggest looking in the mirror before you leave the house. And please, pleeease, just say, “NO!” to crack.
My cup is empty and honestly, I don’t think I could stomach another cup! So off you go but before you leave, turn around... let me have a look... okay, good. No crack showing. You’re free to leave. Ta Ta Darling, have a Fabulous Day!