Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Butt Crack

Hello my Dear Friend... I’m SO happy you’re here!  I’m feeling a bit “behind” and I’ve brewed a fresh pot to catch us up just for this occasion.  Come sit down and let me fill your cup.

Doing my errands the other day with Littlest in tow, we were walking through the parking lot approaching the entrance to one of my favorite places to purchase lipsticks peanut butter.  A couple of women, mid 20ish or so, were in front of us and all of a sudden with no time to run, I realized to my horror that we were being bumm-barded!  I looked at Littlest to see if there was a reaction or if her eyes were still working properly... She turned toward me and had a look of dismal surprise and confusion (like the day I first saw the Winnebago in Kansas) and informed me ever so calmly with words uncommon for a small child, “Mom, that’s just horrendous.”  And as if on cue, the very moment Littlest announced her bewildered displeasure, the one woman in front of us bent over, made a squatty little maneuver and adjusted her pants. I’m not sure if she is at all familiar with her rear view, but wearing a short top with tight, low, very looow, lower than the plumber wears his pants, and no sign of undies in sight (although the site of undies would have been worse, in fact a thong would have probably killed Littlest) is actually very scary for any human being to take, EVER!
Not only was her crack-a-lantern showing like the Colorado River running through the Grand Canyon, but globs of white butt cheek blobbed out and over the sides of her skin tight pants.  Now I’m not an astronomer, and have never wanted to be one, but I now found myself studying Uranus or should I say “Heranus” and the moon that surrounded it.   Again, I am not a scientist but at that moment I came to believe that the “moon” really is made of  Cheese!  This woman was completely oblivious to the fact that she had a poor, defenseless, audience behind her...  “Eeeewww!  Mom!  That’s just wretched!  That’s HORRIBLE!”  “Don’t look at it directly Darling, it will burn your soul!”
Hours later... days later, we’re still talking about the “incident.”  We even have a name for these types of encounters now, “The Butt Crack Chronicles- A Tale of Two Loaves” and “The Butt Cracks and the People Who Wear Them, The Sequel”, a sequel I hope to never see.  It’s gotten to the point that we now reminisce about all our unfortunate and unnecessary meetings with anything that resembles, looks like, could possibly be... a butt crack.  Oh YEA.  What’s a Mommy like me to do except buy more lipsticks?  
So with this tale of “ twin cheeks” out in the open, the very wide open, I suggest looking in the mirror before you leave the house.  And please, pleeease, just say, “NO!” to crack. 
My cup is empty and honestly, I don’t think I could stomach another cup!  So off you go but before you leave, turn around... let me have a look... okay, good.  No crack showing.  You’re free to leave.  Ta Ta Darling, have a Fabulous Day! 

31 comments:

  1. I absolutely LOVE that littlest uses the word horrendous.
    And "Don't look at it directly, it will burn your soul" had me cracking up.
    Wretchedly awesome!

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  2. I can't decide which of your butt-isms I love the best, but "crack-o-lantern" definitely made me LOL!

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  3. "Crack-o-lantern" is the best! LOVE that!! : D

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  4. My brain is burning from the images this post has conjured. My cornea may never be the same.

    bleh :(

    Kelly

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  5. VV my Lovely, wretchedly awesome is how I feel about your last post! I barely made it through "snot guard" without covering my computer screen in coffee. Hugs to ya... xoxo

    Darling Ana, believe it or not, my children made up the word crack-o-lantern a few Halloweens ago when we had a family gathering and we were all bending over our pumpkins carving away... SOMEONE, I won't disclose who, had a scarier crack-o-lantern then their jack-o-lantern! lol xoxo

    Hello Sweet AOCM! See above reply... kisses coming your way... xoxo

    Ahhh Kelly Dear, that's how I felt that day. I just had to share! Cups Up! xoxo

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  6. "Crack-a-lantern" and "twin cheeks"...simply hilarious! SO funny!!!! Thanks for making me laugh today :)

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  7. Okay! You crack me up as always. Get it? Crack me up? Crack.

    And, for my viewing pleasure, your post just brought back vivid images of every crack I've ever seen! My most recent, was a shelf stocker at the grocery store. He was stocking the yogurt right next to the cottage cheese I needed! I cringed as I quickly grabbed my cheese and bolted the other way!

    Also there was a severe crack incident with my husband's co-worker. I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

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  8. ha ha ha ha! I love it! I can't wait to read more of your blog! It's hilarious!

    Newest follower!
    http://greatexpectations-kyna.blogspot.com/

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  9. Well Helloooo ROCM, Welcome back and I'm always happy to help you put a smile on your pretty face! xoxo

    GGM Darling, You make me laugh... xoxo

    Dear Brittany, I do know what you mean! xoxo

    Welcome, welcome my Darling Kyna! Thank you for following and I'll be by your place just as soon as I put on more lipstick... xoxo

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  10. I'm your newest follower from Weekend Blog Hop Til' You Drop. I would love if you would stop by and say hi!
    www.textbookmommy.com

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  11. 3 am, nothing witty is coming to me.lol. Out hopping, stopping by to say hello. Have a great weekend.Kim
    http://cravingsofalunatic.blogspot.com/
    http://losingitlikealunatic.blogspot.com/

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  12. What horror for you little one that she actually said horrendous! New follower from weekend bloghop till you drop.

    The Twerp and I

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  13. That was just too funny
    Visiting from Blog hop now a follower

    Hope you'll have time to stop by

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  14. Hellooo Heidi Dear, Welcome, welcome... thanks for the follow, I'll stop by your place as soon as I powder my nose... xoxo

    My Darling KB, 3am???? Have a nap as you need your beauty sleep to stay as gorgeous as ever. Thank you for the follow and as soon as my nails are dry, I'll stop by... xoxo

    Welcome JB, having smart children makes for hilarious O&C... Gee, I wonder where they get it from? xoxo

    Hellooo Lady B, thanks for the follow. SO delighted that I can make you giggle. I'll stop by your place just as soon as I touch up my lipstick... xoxo

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  15. OMG!!! That is hilarious, but grotesque as the same time!! I wonder what I would have done? LOL

    Stopping by from FTLOB
    http://esmerlala30.blogspot.com

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  16. comment love day here and I am dying from 'crack o lantern'...hilarious!!!

    so glad I stopped by!

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  17. Thanks for the fashion tip! Crack = wack. Glad I happened to find your blog this eve.

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  18. Never has it been so dangerous to go out for lipst-peanut butter! What is the world coming to? A gal can't even take her dd on a simple outing without being subjected to attack of the crack! *grins* Seriously, OC, you had me dying on this one! The names you girls came up with for the encounter must be my fav. part! “The Butt Crack Chronicles- A Tale of Two Loaves”/ “The Butt Cracks and the People Who Wear Them, The Sequel”

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  19. Welcome my Darlings Lala, MM, & Elana! So nice of you to drop by and leave me a nice little comment. I'm always so delighted when new followers get a good giggle before they leave... Cups Up! xoxo

    Lindy Dear! Wonderful hearing from you... Happy to know you had a fantastic Birthday... Hugs & Kisses blowing your way... xoxo

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  20. Let's not forget the "coin-slot" and when I personally come accross these encounters I like to yell out, "Crack Kills!"

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  21. Cha Ching! Thanks for stopping by Darling TKD Hottie... Cups Up! xoxo

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  22. Thanks so much for sharing! Hilarious story!!!!! Love the way you write, so witty :)

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  23. Well Hello Libby Darling, Always want my Darlings and Dears to have a good laugh. Thanks for stopping by! Cups Up! xoxo

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  24. I can totally relate. I was at a resturant and the employee behind the counter turned around and Yuck! Their pants were falling down and their butt crack was hanging out. Sadly I had already paid for my order otherwise I would have run out of the resturant since I was completely grossed out!

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  25. Welcome Deb Darling, I hope you asked for a doggie bag! lol Thanks for stopping by... xoxo

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  26. Ha ha! Crack is whack!

    I think we shop at the same stores!

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  27. Thanks (no thanks) for the mind pic LOL :) Have a super day :) Smart kiddies :)

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  28. LMAO! So what I have learned here is the Moon is made form an unknown cheese, but Heranus is definatly made from cottage cheese? :) Awesome post!

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  29. Very nice blog post. I certainly love this website.
    Keep it up!

    Stop by my web page: Defence of the Ancientts 2

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Hello Darling,

Have you seen the latest collection of lipstick colors?? Oooooh, I can't help myself! Thanks for stopping by... xoxo

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