Monkey Repellent, Valium, Jimmy Choo Water Shoes...

Well Hello again my Dear friend!  So glad you’re here, I’ve got a fresh pot of ‘I really don’t want to do this’ to fill our cups...

I know what you’re thinking, “ Caffe, what kind of brew are you serving me this time?”  Well my Darling, I’ve got some news... I’m headed to a land somewhere over the rainbow... far, far away from my usual stomping grounds of beautiful weather and luxurious spas... No, I’m not off to the tropics again, quite the opposite in fact.  The family and I are going to K... Kaa... Kaaannnn,... KANSAS!  My word, I can barely  breathe... 

The midwest, the heartland, the place that became so famous when Dorothy got swept up in a tornado...  I have never been, nor have I ever wanted to go.  Why would I ever leave my fabulous lifestyle minutes away from the Pacific Ocean?  One word.  Family.  

I have family that up and left a beautiful paradise for, ummm, yep, Kansas.  Now I’m not against anyone from Kansas, and for that matter, I’m not against anyone from Timbuktu, if that’s where you grew up,  you have roots and of course there will always be an affection for those places that hold fond memories.  For you.  Not me.

Okay, so we’re leaving this week and I’ve decided not to be sour about it and make lemonade.  Then the phone call came with the list of things that I should pack to be prepared.  Uhhh, prepared?  You mean there’s no 5 star resort in El Dorado?  So the conversation went kind of like this...

Them: “We’re so excited to see you all!”

Me: “Um, yeah, the kids are excited... how’s the weather?”

Them: “Well, the temperature has been in the high 90‘s, but at least we’ve had horrendous thunder showers so it doesn’t seem so bad.  Oh, and the tornado watch is over, well, so says our weather cube in our storm cellar.  Though it’s been on the blink lately.” 

Me: Dropping the receiver, falling on the floor, and asking myself, ‘What the heck is a weather cube?  A storm cellar? And WHY are we doing this again?‘  “Oh, that’s nice.  Should I pack all sleeveless shirts?”

Them: “Oh no, not all sleeveless, the bugs well... which reminds me, bring bug repellent.  We’ve got some bug spray here, but you might want something different for the kids.”

Me: Take deep breaths Caffe!  In... out...  “Bugs?  Like uh, what kind of bugs?  Oh, never mind, bug repellent it is.”  Thunderstorms, tornados, bugs... Breathe, breathe... What about flying monkeys?  Do they even make repellent for flying monkeys?  They must... Oh no, wait... that was in the land of Oz.  

Them: “Oh, don’t forget your water shoes.  I mean, it’s not like Hawaii you know, the water is murky brown at the lake and you might not like how the bottom feels, not being sandy or anything like that...”

Me: “No, I suppose it’s not like Hawaii...”  It’s not like Hawaii???  I knew that, I knew that, not like Hawaii, it’s Kansas.  I wonder if Jimmy Choo makes water shoes?  “Is there anything else I should bring or know about to  prepare the kids?”  I know how to prepare myself... Valium, Costco sized boxes of wine, perhaps a straight jacket...

I got off the phone and rushed to the mirror to make sure my makeup was still intact and that I still looked as gorgeous as ever.  Phew!  It was only a dream, or maybe a nightmare, or, did that phone call even happened?  And then my children’s cheer of, “We’re going to Kansas... we’re going to Kansas!” brought me back to the harsh reality called, ‘Pack your bags, grab your inhaler, you’re going to Kansas!”   

Well, the pot of ‘I really don’t want to do this’ is empty, I guess I should start gathering things from my list.  If I make it back alive, I’m sure I’ll be a chain smoker, but I’ll let you know.  So go on now, save the tears... until next time my Lovely...  

Ta Ta!  xoxo