Umm... Darling? Do You Think I Can Purchase Lipstick in Hell?

Hello hello my Darling Friend... I am SO delighted that you’ve stopped by.  I have a fresh pot of, ‘You Keep on Knocking but You Can’t Come In!’ to fill up your cup...

Uh oh, what are you up to Caffe?  No, no, no... nothing to do with you my Darling, it’s those, those... those people!  You know those people... they come knocking at your door and when you open it... WHAM-O! they sell you their religion and tell you all about how morally incorrect the world is and how I should jump into their bandwagon!  Imagine that?  Moi?  Morally incorrect?  They must have read my last post about being a Bad Gurl Blogger!

This past weekend I was in the garage doing some cardio training on my spin bike while blasting the 808 bump into my earbuds.  Yes my Dear, I do maintain my MILFy physique, how else can I indulge in my cookie jar habits and look the way I do?  Besides, when the Hubby stares at my long, sexy legs, I know that all my hard work has paid off... hold on, we’re going in the wrong direction... 

In the garage with the door wide open, exactly at the same moment that I’m belting out, “AND TONIGHT I’M F#$%ING YOU!!... OOOH OH!... OHhWHOA!” I see them.  I see more than one, a pair... OH and another pair... and another... two by two they’re walking in front of my driveway... and how lovely of me to provide the music...

Well thank goodness the last time they knocked, I was smart enough to kindly ask if they had a Do Not Call List and if they did, please place me on it.  So they did and I am.  But I don’t think my Hubby knew that because as the parade was passing in front of my house, so was my Hubby!  I saw his BIG truck drive right by and not come back for at least 10 minutes... what’s up with that?

This is not the first or the worst of my many encounters with the Jehovah's Witnesses... 

               **insert going back in time music here**

After a wild gurlz night out with my roommate and cousin, well, uhhh... I kind of lost my cousin J... I know, I know... how do you lose your cousin?  Well after a couple, or maybe a few more, those darn Razztinis... she sorta got... umm... lost?  Hmmm... 

I tried tracking J down, I looked on the dance floor it was a good song!... looked under the barstools that's where I'd be, even looked under the bathroom stalls calling her name "Are you some kind of weirdo!"... but all I got was the bouncer saying that he saw her puking by the dumpster... Oh... Great... just great.

After my many unsuccessful attempts at locating J, I went home and endured the rest of the night or was it morning? through drunken spells of dizzy... waiting and listening for the phone to ring... hoping to hear J’s voice, and feeling more and more nauseous by the moment... oooOOOHHHH!!... good thing for that bucket by the door!  

VICTORY AT LAST! The phone call came in and J is safe and sound and I think through the haze of my brain she said she was on her way to my place.  I passed out for a bit, still in my clothes from the night before and looking like the cat had dragged me in, when I heard a knock... YES!!  Thank Gaaawd J is here and I don’t have to tell her Mom that I lost her!  Boy, now that would be a family conversation that would be brought up at every family get together!  I have never been so happy or so relieved, or so huungoverrr, to answer the door.  

I staggered out of bed and scrambled to the door...  my head was in a foggy cloud I thought I was indoors?...  In my haste, I kicked the bucket, almost knocking it over, losing my balance and stumbled over it while simultaneously reaching for the door knob and flung myself with a smile on my face and the stench of an all nighter at the people who were standing in the doorway...  “HIIIiii... ummm...YOU’RE not J!!”

And that my Dear Friend, was the worst encounter EVER with those people.  

Oh my goodness, looky here, my cup is empty and I’m hoping that the Do Not Call list doesn’t expire for another few years... should I inform the Hubby?  Nah, it makes for a good post... Until we meet again my Dear Friend... Just let them knock or keep a full bucket by the door... Ta Ta! 

The Perfect Recipe to Cook a Turkey...

How To Cook A Turkey*

Step 1: Go buy a turkey 

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven 

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey 

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens 

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink 

Step 7: Turk the bastey 

Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get 

Step 9: Stick a turkey in the thermometer 

Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

 Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours 

Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey

 Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick 

Step 14: Turk the carvey 

Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch 

Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey 

Step 17: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!




Have a wonderful holiday Darling!  xoxo




*How To Cook A Turkey was found by Googling,"How To Cook A Turkey Funny" 

Check Engine? I’d Rather Check My Lipstick!

Hello Darling... Love when you stop by for a chat!  Come make yourself comfortable as this is a very full pot of ‘Huh? Fix my Car... You Mean Now?’ to fill your cup...

Oh, the joys of being a Mommy with a never ending schedule, always rushing out the door to get to the next activity with a full cup of caffeine in one hand, a soccer ball, my laptop, purse, car keys, Littlest’s sweatshirt, the bag of tricks (kleenex, water bottle, snacks... and of course at least 1 lipstick!) all in the other hand, I should say, “arm,” actually my shoulder is involved too... I really don’t know how I fit through the garage door!

You know what I’m talking about Darling... we all do it!  I’m lucky if I’ve managed to round up the kids and we make it into the car all at the same time without one sibling shouting across the driveway... 


“COME ON YOU LAGGER!!!  YOU’RE BOGGING!! I DON’T WANT TO MISS MY PRACTICE AND YOU’RE MAKING ME LATE!!” 

‘I’m sure the whole neighborhood is absolutely delighted in knowing our daily schedule, thank you Littlest for helping out.’

This is a typical day for me, just different times and different places.  My car is important.  I should take care of it as it takes care of me and my family and gets us safely to the place that we need to be.  

Ummm, what’s that light?  No not that one... that one!  Uhhh, it says “CHECK ENGINE”...  Hmmm, I suppose I could look at it.  Mmmm, let’s see...okay, I looked at the light message in my dashboard and yep, it definitely says, “CHECK ENGINE”.  Let’s see what it does if I drive a little further... I’m sure it doesn’t really mean anything... OH look!  “CHECK ENGINE” went away!  Must have been that bump I drove over that jiggled the little mechanism to turn the light off.  Problem solved!

The next day as I was driving around taking the kids to their next activity, all signs of “CHECK ENGINE” has magically disappeared... out of sight, out of mind... “CHECK ENGINE!!”  ‘What?  Are you talking to me?’  “CHECK ENGINE!!”  Oh shoots, I’d better inform The Hubby that this light is on and starting to get a little bit snippy with me!

“Caffe, if the light comes on, it means you need to take the car to the dealership.”

‘Take the car to the dealership?  Moi?  I don’t have time to go to the dealership... I have things to do!  Oh, alright, I’ll take the car in as soon as I can.’

The next day... ummm, I kind of forgot about the “CHECK ENGINE” warning as the light was not on... If the light isn’t on, doesn’t that mean that it’s automatically fixed?  I mean it’s a Benzo for goodness sakes!  Aren’t these cars supposed to have like an automatic fixer system thingy that checks all the electric something and something?  Sheeesh...

A week later... “CHECK ENGINE YOU BRAINLESS MOMMY!!!! AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT... CHECK SAFETY SYSTEM, CHECK OIL, CHECK TIRES, AND CHECK UNDER YOUR HAT TO MAKE SURE YOUR HEAD IS STILL CONNECTED TO YOUR SHOULDERS!!!”

Ummm... Hubby?  Another light came on...

My cup is empty... my car is broken... and The Hubby spoils me rotten as he took time out of his day to take my car to the dealership and get me a loner... all without skipping a beat or smudging my lipstick... He’s my Hero!!! 

Until next time my Dear Friend... Ta Ta!

What? Someone HOTTER Than Caffe??

Meet Elliot...

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Butt Crack

Hello my Dear Friend... I’m SO happy you’re here!  I’m feeling a bit “behind” and I’ve brewed a fresh pot to catch us up just for this occasion.  Come sit down and let me fill your cup.

Doing my errands the other day with Littlest in tow, we were walking through the parking lot approaching the entrance to one of my favorite places to purchase lipsticks peanut butter.  A couple of women, mid 20ish or so, were in front of us and all of a sudden with no time to run, I realized to my horror that we were being bumm-barded!  I looked at Littlest to see if there was a reaction or if her eyes were still working properly... She turned toward me and had a look of dismal surprise and confusion (like the day I first saw the Winnebago in Kansas) and informed me ever so calmly with words uncommon for a small child, “Mom, that’s just horrendous.”  And as if on cue, the very moment Littlest announced her bewildered displeasure, the one woman in front of us bent over, made a squatty little maneuver and adjusted her pants. I’m not sure if she is at all familiar with her rear view, but wearing a short top with tight, low, very looow, lower than the plumber wears his pants, and no sign of undies in sight (although the site of undies would have been worse, in fact a thong would have probably killed Littlest) is actually very scary for any human being to take, EVER!

Not only was her crack-a-lantern showing like the Colorado River running through the Grand Canyon, but globs of white butt cheek blobbed out and over the sides of her skin tight pants.  Now I’m not an astronomer, and have never wanted to be one, but I now found myself studying Uranus or should I say “Heranus” and the moon that surrounded it.   Again, I am not a scientist but at that moment I came to believe that the “moon” really is made of  Cheese!  This woman was completely oblivious to the fact that she had a poor, defenseless, audience behind her...  “Eeeewww!  Mom!  That’s just wretched!  That’s HORRIBLE!”  “Don’t look at it directly Darling, it will burn your soul!”

Hours later... days later, we’re still talking about the “incident.”  We even have a name for these types of encounters now, “The Butt Crack Chronicles- A Tale of Two Loaves” and “The Butt Cracks and the People Who Wear Them, The Sequel”, a sequel I hope to never see.  It’s gotten to the point that we now reminisce about all our unfortunate and unnecessary meetings with anything that resembles, looks like, could possibly be... a butt crack.  Oh YEA.  What’s a Mommy like me to do except buy more lipsticks?  

So with this tale of “ twin cheeks” out in the open, the very wide open, I suggest looking in the mirror before you leave the house.  And please, pleeease, just say, “NO!” to crack. 

My cup is empty and honestly, I don’t think I could stomach another cup!  So off you go but before you leave, turn around... let me have a look... okay, good.  No crack showing.  You’re free to leave.  Ta Ta Darling, have a Fabulous Day! 

The Floozy Fix- LMAO Blogs & The Women Behind Them

Welcome, welcome... So nice to have you here my Darling!  I’ve brewed a fresh pot of 'How to make a Floozy Happy'... so sit down and while you’re at it grab a kleenex ... I don’t want anything shooting out of your nose... Miranda... 

Now that it’s out in the open that I’m an out-and-out Blog Floozy, I thought you might want to know where my rendezvous have been taking place and where I’ve been playfully commenting.  My favorite blogs are the ones that make me laugh out loud and I’m usually not wearing waterproof mascara and by the time I’m done reading, I’m just a mess, but I guess raccoon eyes are much better than those that need to squeeze their legs tightly to keep their pant-ie..s.. oh, you know where I’m going with this and besides, I’m going off track and boy, what a lonnnnggg sentence for such an easy explanation!!  ...and BREATHE... 

You’ve noticed the name Miranda up above.  I know your name is not Miranda (unless it’s you Miranda reading right now), but you have to know the reason I wrote the name Miranda.  Miranda is the mind behind, Frantic Ravings of a Mother, and  has a section on her blog called, “How To: Shoot Coffee Through Your Nose.”  Okay, I’ll bite...  This Mommy talks about her daily adventures  raising her 3 boys and the chaos that ensues.  Yes Darling, we’ve all seen these blogs before, but Miranda’s posts really aren’t supposed to be funny when it is happening.  Not funny for her, but definitely funny to me because I’m not the one cleaning up pee all over the bathroom or sounding off the house alarm by pressing the panic button. Hopefully at the end of her day, after she sucks down a bottle of bourbon, Miranda will find the humor and realize that one day, she’ll be able to have her grown boys read her blog and they will know exactly why their Mommy drinks like a fish and cusses like a sailor.

The next stop on my addictive quest for a good laugh, or at minimum a huge smile, is GGM’s place.  That’s my loving nickname for her, most know her as Janae, or the title of her blog, Diaries of a Grumpy Grateful Mom.  She is a Mommy of 4, a Mormon, and extremely addicting to read.  I had to put Mormon in there because she has taught me that Mormons go to church for 3 hours on Sundays and if you are anywhere for 3 hours with 4 kids in tow,  you can imagine the antsy, mind wandering and sometimes small child getting away tales that she has to offer.  When I see “church” in her post title as I’m going through my Google Reading List, I know that there will be a funny post waiting for me to read.

My most recent victim find and I’m SO delighted that I found her so I can stalk leave flirty little comments and hopefully she’ll love me the way I love her is Dawn over at The Ginja Ninja.  Just her profile name, Vapid Vixen, makes me feel like I’ve known her for a very long time and even though the definition is boring, quarrelsome woman, it actually sounds much more sexier without the true dictionary meaning and honestly, I haven’t found her to be boring at all.  On the contrary, this new member of Club Divorce is funny, and makes me laugh at all her single gal dilemmas such as how come she doesn’t look like a Victoria Secret’s model when she orders their products and an in depth look into the world of online dating that exposes me to a topic that I've only seen on TV commercials but now I find hilarious because I actually know (well, I’m still in the flirting stage) someone who’s tried it.  She is the single gal that you want to cheer for and hope that one day she'll find her Prince Charming and a happily, ever after.

So there you have it my Dear Friend, my LMAO blog(s) fix for this addicted Floozy in bright crimson lipstick.  Well, the pot is empty yet again, I'll brew more the next time you come for a visit.  I need to go now and fix my lipstick and powder my nose... always trying to look my best when flirting...  Ta Ta for now, and have a Happy Day my Lovely! 


P.S. I forgot to mention, if you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you'll see blogs that I like to flirt with.  I haven't figured out how to put these buttons on a separate page, if you know how to do that, I'd love to learn.  xoxo

Cotton Candy & Baked Beans...Where's The Sushi?

Well of course I had to take this picture! My lipstick about melted off my lips when I saw this in the deli section at Dillons, the local market in El Dorado.  My goodness, such a healthy combination for my girlish figure...  LOL!          

No Lipstick in Yoder?

I said, "Take me to Christian Dior... not an Amish Book Store!"

This Sucks Harder Than a Tornado!

Oh no you don't!  Don't you dare put me in that... that.... why there's no room for my shoe collection!  

Oral Contraceptives Should Be Hot Pink & Glow in the Dark!

Well Hello! It’s so nice to have you back! I’ve got a fresh pot of controversy ready to go...

This topic is a bit, well... kind of on the private side, but I know I can chat with you about it and you’ll laugh with me and hopefully not at me! It’s about my birth control method, oral contraceptives, you know, the pill. I must say, somebody up above has a good sense of humor when it comes to me and the pills that I take!

The predicaments I find myself in, to avoid having another child have been rather amusing through the years and I was reminded the other night how silly one can behave when looking for an object that is a hair bigger than a pinhead and blends so nicely on the granite countertop! As I was searching the countertop, yet again, I thought to myself, “Why do the manufacturers make these pills so hard to see? And why do I keep putting the darn pill on the counter when getting my glass of water if I can’t ever find where I left it? I would make the pills hot pink or fluorescent orange if I had my way!” Then my mind recalled pill dilemmas from the past and I had to giggle.

Pushing the microscopic pill from the plasticky, tinfoil bubble onto the palm of my hand has always been easy enough, except on the rare occasion(s) that the pill would pop out too far and go skydiving down, down, down into the abyss known as the kitchen floor and I’m hoping to hear the tiny pill land on the tile and not on the carpet so as to know approximately the point of its final destination. On my hands and knees is of course about the right time when Hubby enters the kitchen and says, “Dropped your pill again?” Now both of us are on all fours and thank goodness it’s late in the night as the children are sleeping and there is no need to explain to them why Mommy & Daddy are crawling around on the kitchen floor acting like dogs who are searching for that last bit of food crumbs left behind from dinner.

Then there’s the “I forgot to take my pill” quandary. Who made up the stupid rule that you have to take the pill at exactly the same time 24 hours later? Don’t they know I’m never on time for anything? Yikes! Do I take 2 pills to make up for my lateness? Skip one day, double up on the next? Oh, okay, I’ll try that... Like I said, God is a comedian and I’m surprised that I don’t have more kids!

Goodness me, I have been rattling on and on not realizing that the pot is empty. Thanks for stopping by I need to go and powder my nose and, oh yes... take my pill!

Ta Ta for now! xoxo

Caffeinated OC Mommy Chooses LMAO Blog Post of the Week

Well Hello! I’m so glad you’ve come back as I’m feeling much more composed since our last visit together. I don’t know what gets into me when I see another parent being a complete idiot when it comes to raising their children, well, enough about that... Sit down, I’ve made a fresh pot of something different today. As much as this Mommy loves controversy, I just as much adore a good cup of laughter! Not just any old cup of laughter, but a good hardy, laugh out loud, tummy hurting, almost wet my panties kind of laughter. It’s good for us as long as it doesn’t ruin our make-up! So let me fill your cup with some laughter, and I’ll tell you all about the blogs I’ve been reading that have been making me giggle.