Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Mommy Lessons From An ILF... A Guest Post

Hello my Darling Friend... Have I got a treat for you!  Come make yourself comfortable and get ready for a fresh brew, and I mean fresh as in fresh perspective, fresh attitude, fresh, fresh, fresh and did I mention fresh? to fill your cup...
I found my Dear Friend Cherie over at BSN as the title of her post caught my eye... I, Cherie Jamison, Do Not Like Children.  How could I not check out what this ILF (you like that?  She’s not a Mommy so you know Darling... I took off the M.  It’s only fitting...) is talking about?  Why would she write such a thing?  As I started to read her post the light bulb went on and it was as bright as my brightest shade of pink lipstick.  What I read, made me SO proud of her!  She’s already doing Mommy Lessons and doesn’t even realize it!  She’ll be a good Mommy one day... 

Howdy y'all. My name is Cherie Jamison and I hail from Pink-Nightmare.Com. I'm just a snarky college student trying to avoid the pitfalls that tend to be mandatory for adulthood. I'm not a mommy blogger, mostly because I feel like kids would cramp my style. That's not to say that kids aren't great.. for some people. Motherhood has certainly not cramped the style of Caffeinated OC Mommy, who has so graciously allowed me to guest post my own reasons for why kids just simply aren't for me. 

Anyone who is a mother or father may want to clobber me for this, but hear me out before the witch hunt begins. 

I used to love babies and small children. When I was in elementary and early middle school, I loved volunteering at church to work in the nursery. I loved playing with my nieces when they still lived in town. I could play with them all day, every day, and I still wouldn't be sick of them.

But over the past couple of years, something changed. Now, other than my nieces (who are older except for one), I really can’t stand to be around children. Which begs the question of why I decided to do nursery work again for my Christian service*.

I’ve developed a pretty solid hypothesis about why it is that I suddenly do not like children. It is composed of two parts: A) I’ve somehow lost the ability to put up with crap (both figuratively and literally) and B) it’s not the kids – it’s the parents.

A. I've somehow lost the ability to put up with crap.

I’m not a patient person. At all. I’m pretty sure I used to be a patient person, but somewhere within the last five or six years, that all went out the window. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that my job at Pizza Hut has made me bitter toward all of mankind and thus I am no longer programmed to deal with annoyances.

And let’s face it. Small children are full of annoyances. Sure, they are cute when they are laughing or learning to talk or saying the darnedest thing, but they also love to scream, kick, throw fits, and are pretty much constantly set to ‘play’ mode.

I just can’t do it anymore.

B. It’s not the kids – it’s the parents.

I really think parents today play a bit role in my inability to watch a child without popping three Excedrin. Back in my day, parents disciplined their children and actually put in the effort required to teach their kids right from wrong, how to use the “big boy” toilet, etc.

I was potty-trained by the time I turned two years old. Now, it’s totally not uncommon for kids three and four years old to still be poo-pooing and pee-peeing in Luvs.

The problem with parents today is that most of them put their own busy schedules ahead of advancing their children. Kids don’t know how to behave. Parents are too lazy to put in the time necessary to discipline. When I misbehaved, I knew that I would get a good old fashioned whippin’. 

If parents aren’t comfortable with physical discipline, then there are myriad of other options. But when you just threaten to spank or to take away the computer, kids catch on to the game. You actually have to have follow through. A ten minute time out does no good when you let the kid up after three minutes because you don’t want to deal with it.

The result of no discipline is what I see on a regular basis today – kids running around with absolutely no respect. At Pizza Hut, we’ll have kids come in and play with the displays, try to run behind the counters, scream, etc. Would I have gotten away with that in my day? Hell to the no. 

So, in conclusion, I’m pretty sure I’m not a terrible person. I’m pretty sure that outside factors contribute to why I really can’t stand children. But unfortunately for me, I have a good forty hours of watching little ones to deal with this upcoming semester. Lord help me, please.

* = Christian service is a required 20 hours of volunteer work than I have to do for school. Being a private, Christian university, they can subject me to such torture. It’s supposed to make you a more well-rounded person, but it just makes me bitter and angry. Reverse effect.

So there you have it... a fresh perspective from a future MILF.  Leave her a comment and let her know that there really are good Mommys in the world and that you’re one of them.  And if you’re so inclined to check out her blog, Pink Nightmare, she’ll give you a new view on what the 20 somethings think about life... sometimes we have to step out of our own cozy little bubble to see how others view the world we share. 

Remember, we’re all in this together to make a better tomorrow and a better Mommy... Until next time my Sweet... Ta Ta!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

"Cups Up!" Quote of the Week...

I am just too much. Bette Davis

Too much??  OH No no no... There's never too much!  Let's see... Berry lipstick, hot pink lipstick, red, mauve, wine, rose, sparkly, fuchsia...

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

PR People Make My Lipstick Smudge!

Well Hello-hello my Dear Friend... I’ve been expecting you!  I know Darling, it’s been awhile... I’ve been up to my eyeballs in media relations and I can’t seem to cut through all these emails!  Enough about that, for now... Come make yourself comfy, I’ve got a strong brew to fill your cup...
I am exasperated to say the least by all the emails that are flooding my inbox sent by these annoying PR/Media people who have no clue how the world of the BlogSphere works!  These schmucks think that we bloggers will write and advertise their products for free... What the hey?  
I am constantly bombarded with notes of how much these people enjoy my blog and how ‘family friendly’ my content is... Really??  Family friendly?  Since when is butt crack family friendly?  Or how about MILFs?  Explain that one to your 8 year old!
It is obviously clear that these PR people are a bit simpleminded and they could use my help in making their way through Blogland... So Darling, if you have the need to send this post to those irritating people in the PR department, please DO, compliments of Caffe!
PR People, get your notebooks out... this is for you
DO use the bloggers name in the intro of your email.  It shows that you actually took the time to notice.
Don’t not mention the blog’s name and it’s a guarantee that the delete button gets clicked faster than I can apply my lipstick.
DO peruse the blog to see what the blog has to offer, if what you are selling compliments what the blog is about, contact the owner.
Don’t bother the blog owner with irrelevant information that has nothing to do with lipstick, Stoli Elit, Prada Shoes, MILFy clothes, what the blog content is about.  For instance... my blog is about a hot MILF named Caffe who is obsessed with lipsticks and likes to ridicule other Mommys’ bad behaviors.  What that means to a PR person?  Don’t send me a press release on lactating... ooops... lactation consultant Sara Chana... and PLEASE note, I’m a MILF!  I don’t need America’s #1 authority, Bob Harper to tell me how to lose weight... I’m perfect the way I am! 
 DO ask the blog owner if they would be interested in what you are promoting and also include how you will compensate the blog owner for working on this project with you. 
Don’t tell the blog owner they should write about your product!  Nothing muddles my lipstick more than getting an email that tells me what I should write about... worse yet, if it’s a product that has nothing to do with what I write... Hmmmph!
So there you have it... communications 101 for those who work in public relations.  It should be a no brainer... after all, these people are in public relations!  If there is a need for any other advice on how to behave in the Land of Bloggers, I would be happy to assist.
My cup is empty and I need to get back to work... I have many emails to delete, hmmm... maybe I’ll send them this post instead.  Until next time my Dear Friend... Ta Ta!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Lip Balm on Sandpaper... I Don't Think So!

Hello my Darling Friend... I’m SO pleased that you are here!  Make yourself comfy and let me fill your cup...  Today’s blend is a fine blend of, ‘You’re boring.  You’re bland.  Umm, not sure how many ways to say... “It taste like cardboard!”
Caffe!  How rude!  Yes my Dear, I know that the cold, hard truth, can sometimes be... well... freezing!  Let me explain before you send out the cavalry...
I help a FABulous Mommy who has created a blogging social network called, Blogaholic.  Yes Darling, I’m on the admin team and I’m the hostess with the mostess greeting new members and answering whatever questions they have that I have NO IDEA what the answer is.  I’m a mini celeb there, and so naturally I get questions like these... 
Hi Caffeinated, 
because you have such a wonderful blog and you seem to have a lot of followers, will you stop by my blog and let me know what you think?  Thanks!  
Or this...  
Hi OC Mommy,
I was wondering, how do you get people to comment? I’ve had my blog for awhile now and I leave comments on other blogs, but it seems like no matter what I try I don’t have more comments or followers.  Any advice?
Why yes... yes I do have some advice... try not writing!  CAFFE!!!  WHAT??  Am I  SOoo wrong?  Save these poor souls from wasting their time!  Not all bloggers can write, some are excellent readers.  And not all bloggers have a good sense of design, just look at their sense of fashion in the photos they display for all to see!  Put the two together... it’s like wearing blue eyeshadow with a bright red lipstick... it’s just not pretty!
Oh, alright... I’m not that blunt when giving my opinion, but to give them pointers is quite, well... er... ummm... like putting lip balm on a piece of sandpaper!  Sandpaper will not soften no matter how much lip balm is used and it’s a very messy procedure...
So what do you tell them Caffe?  I ask them if they love it.  If they love it, then who am I to give advice?  But just in case they want more of a critique, I do have... drumroll please...
Caffe’s 3 Cs for Blogging...
1) Content- I know Darling, this is a bit obvious... but honestly, sometimes when I visit a new blog, the content is all over the place or it has none!  These blogs need a purpose, or not... if that’s what’s for breakfast... but if that’s the case, then it shouldn’t be a surprise to the blog owner that there’s not a whole lot of activity going on.  Good writing is what attracts a reader and keeps them coming back for more!

2) Keep it Clean!-  And I’m not talking about the writing itself... I’m talking about all the clutter in the side bars.  What a junk yard!  Blogs with a million widgets and pop up ads muddle my lipstick and drive me to click on the escape button ASAP!!  And if there are side bars on both sides of the actual post with this kind of hodgepodge... Eeeekkk... run away... run away... 

3) Consistency- Exactly!  You my Dear Friend, know that when you visit moi,  you receive a warm greeting each and every time you visit.  You also know that I’ll fill your cup with a few giggles, some complaining, and I’ll almost always find a way to add lipstick to my posts.  True?  True!  Even if the posts are random, the blog format for the most part, should remain consistent. 

Okay my Darling, my cup is empty and I need to go and powder my nose... I need to look absolutely gorgeous for my admiring fans... Huh?  Boring?  You?  Never my Dear Friend, besides... you have meee to keep you on your toes!  Until next time my non-boring friend... Ta Ta! 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Cups Up! Quote of the Week...

"I like being a woman, not a girl."  
    Sharon Stone

Here, here Ms. Stone!  And a woman with a sexy strut and a bold lip color... Oooh, that's me!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Yoo Hoooo! MILFy! Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are!

Well Hello my Dear Friend... I am delighted that you’re here to visit!  What?  Where’ve I been? I have been busy picking myself up out of the New Years blues!  Can you believe it?  Little ole me has been feeling like... like... A NON-MILF!!  No, not you Caffe!  Yes, yes, ME!  Come make yourself comfortable, let me fill your cup and fill you in...
It all started with this dreaded cold I got the day before Thanksgiving, yes, I still cooked  a FABulous meal and looked divine doing it, but I was definitely moving in slow motion all day long... all week long... all through December long...
I’ve had this stupid runny nose thing for how long now?  When was Turkey Day again?
 Then Christmas Day came and brought me a new gift, no, not a collection of the hottest shades of lip color... a twitch in and around my left eye.  Ummmm, okay... I’ve had this type of thing happen before, it’s temporary, lasting, mmm... about 5 minutes... 2 weeks later, I now have a twitchy eye, a runny nose, and now within the past week, my normally beautiful, healthy skin has decided to ITCH like no tomorrow!  At any time, on any place of my body, the urge to scratch has been driving me to drink more Eagle Rare!  What the heck is going on??? 
I’m not feeling very MILFy like, and my imagination has gotten the better of me!  I’ve envisioned people staring at me and my twitch, and in my oh, so, creative mind, the twitch becomes one of those neck jerker type twitches and then the spontaneity of an aggressive itch calls my name from a deep location within my arm pit while at the same time I’m wiping my nose on the sleeve of my blouse!  Eeeeeeeeeww!  This is all to much for a MILF named Caffe!
So needless to say, my MILF morale is not in proper working order.  
I got tired of feeling this way and the other day I made up my mind that enough was enough already... I want my sassy self back and decided to get myself busy and kick this feeling in the ass!  

So I have been doing just that... I got on my spin bike and blasted some 808 bump into my earbuds for 40 minutes, then went to the salon and got my hair did... 3 days of spinning and a shiny new do, the twitch is gone, the itching has slowed down, my nose is back in order and once again, I’m feeling like a HOT MILF for all those Husbands to look at!!!
Oooh, I am feeling much better thank yooou!  
So here’s to kicking ass, maybe it’s a sign of the year to come... oh boy, LOOK OUT WORLD, Caffe is IN the HOUSE!!  Until next time my Darling Friend, TA TA!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

RUN!!! Caffe Had A FULL Pot!

Hello hello my Dear Friend... Welcome and it’s such a pleasure to have you here!  How’s everything going for you?  Good I expect, as the beginning of the New Year is always a hopeful time.  Speaking of hopeful, I’m hoping to see better parenting skills over the next 11 months... Uh oh, I think we’re about to find out how much caffeine Caffe’s been drinking!
Ah yes, the New Year... out with the old... in with the new or renewed Mommy Lessons that all have forgotten in the past and need to be reminded about once again!  I’ve got a strong blend today that will make most Mommys cringe with the uncomfortable feeling that their panties are in a tight wad!

 Yes Darling, I know that you’ve mastered these lessons, but I’ve been noticing on a daily basis how lazy and downright ignorant parenting has become!  So forward this lesson on to those who need a little reminder of what good parenting is all about.  Let’s get started...
First of all, this is a huge lesson... so we’ll have to take this in small, manageable increments, one topic at a time, to fully grasp why each subject is so important.  There is not one that is more important than the other, they all intermingle when it comes to being a good Mommy.
Topic #1-  Stop letting media dictate the environment of your household.  YOU are the Mommy of your house, keep your environment the way you want your children to be nurtured.   
Did you get that?  Media- AKA... (1)shut the friggin’ TV off!! (2)not all radio station are appropriate, change the channel! (3)magazine covers are NOT for all eyes!
(1)shut the friggin’ TV off!!- Okay, pretty self explanatory, but I have to remind Mommys that TV is just not the same as it was in the past.  TV was a friendlier place with news that was actually tactful and didn’t show everything and  sitcoms actually had some morals to it.  I mean, yes, of course it was fiction, but I’d much prefer the way relations worked on shows such as Family Ties, The Cosby Show, even Friends over the inept social/family behaviors of the Kardashians, The Jersey Shore, or one of those Housewives Shows.  Period.  
The Kardashians or shows that are similar, make one feel... well, that it’s okay to have no values, to be deceitful, that it’s all about the money.  Is that really the behavior that a good Mommy wants to emulate or have her children be a part of?  I think not, and media really puts it in your face to make a buck and everyone seems to be buying it, even the new Mommys.  Turn it off and put on some Vivaldi.
(2)not all radio station are appropriate, change the channel!- There are songs on the radio that would drop your Granny’s jaw to the ground!  Songs today talk freely about smoking weed, tonight I’m bleeping you (like you can’t tell what the bleep is!), strippers on a pole, touch my bleep, whips and chains, run faster than my bullet... is this really what we want our children to hear?  I don’t have a problem with these songs when I’m in the car alone, but when it’s on a top rated radio station that anybody can click on the switch, even your 6 year old... then that’s a problem as these lyrics aren’t meant for them!  Good Mommys pay attention and are aware of lyrics to popular songs on the radio.  You think you’re kids aren’t listening?  Think again and change the channel!
(3)magazine covers are NOT for all eyes!- Please, for the love of bright, bold lipstick... do not leave gossip magazines all over the coffee table for your little ones to see!  Do you really want your little Monkey gazing at the images and taking in scandalous photos with big, colorful text... SNOOKIE CAUGHT IN SEX VIDEO TAPE WITH HER 2 ROOMATES!... well, not sure if that was a real headline, but it could be!  

Pay attention to what’s in plain view to your children.  Do they really need to be exposed to such negativity and think later on in their lives that this kind of smut is the norm?  Sheesh, I hope not!
Our children are our future.  Help them succeed in becoming caring adults by keeping your household environment gentle, genuine, and kind... isn’t that one of the many goals of good parenting?
My cup is empty and I’ll be brewing up another blend of ‘Mommy Lessons’ in the very near future.  So in the meanwhile, tell me Darling, how do you deal with negative media?  Until next time my Dear Friend... Ta Ta!

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