Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Cotton Candy & Baked Beans...Where's The Sushi?

Well of course I had to take this picture! My lipstick about melted off my lips when I saw this in the deli section at Dillons, the local market in El Dorado.  My goodness, such a healthy combination for my girlish figure...  LOL!          

Saturday, June 25, 2011

This Sucks Harder Than a Tornado!

Oh no you don't!  Don't you dare put me in that... that.... why there's no room for my shoe collection!  

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Monkey Repellent, Valium, Jimmy Choo Water Shoes...

Well Hello again my Dear friend!  So glad you’re here, I’ve got a fresh pot of ‘I really don’t want to do this’ to fill our cups...
I know what you’re thinking, “ Caffe, what kind of brew are you serving me this time?”  Well my Darling, I’ve got some news... I’m headed to a land somewhere over the rainbow... far, far away from my usual stomping grounds of beautiful weather and luxurious spas... No, I’m not off to the tropics again, quite the opposite in fact.  The family and I are going to K... Kaa... Kaaannnn,... KANSAS!  My word, I can barely  breathe... 
The midwest, the heartland, the place that became so famous when Dorothy got swept up in a tornado...  I have never been, nor have I ever wanted to go.  Why would I ever leave my fabulous lifestyle minutes away from the Pacific Ocean?  One word.  Family.  
I have family that up and left a beautiful paradise for, ummm, yep, Kansas.  Now I’m not against anyone from Kansas, and for that matter, I’m not against anyone from Timbuktu, if that’s where you grew up,  you have roots and of course there will always be an affection for those places that hold fond memories.  For you.  Not me.
Okay, so we’re leaving this week and I’ve decided not to be sour about it and make lemonade.  Then the phone call came with the list of things that I should pack to be prepared.  Uhhh, prepared?  You mean there’s no 5 star resort in El Dorado?  So the conversation went kind of like this...
Them: “We’re so excited to see you all!”
Me: “Um, yeah, the kids are excited... how’s the weather?”
Them: “Well, the temperature has been in the high 90‘s, but at least we’ve had horrendous thunder showers so it doesn’t seem so bad.  Oh, and the tornado watch is over, well, so says our weather cube in our storm cellar.  Though it’s been on the blink lately.” 
Me: Dropping the receiver, falling on the floor, and asking myself, ‘What the heck is a weather cube?  A storm cellar? And WHY are we doing this again?‘  “Oh, that’s nice.  Should I pack all sleeveless shirts?”
Them: “Oh no, not all sleeveless, the bugs well... which reminds me, bring bug repellent.  We’ve got some bug spray here, but you might want something different for the kids.”
Me: Take deep breaths Caffe!  In... out...  “Bugs?  Like uh, what kind of bugs?  Oh, never mind, bug repellent it is.”  Thunderstorms, tornados, bugs... Breathe, breathe... What about flying monkeys?  Do they even make repellent for flying monkeys?  They must... Oh no, wait... that was in the land of Oz.  
Them: “Oh, don’t forget your water shoes.  I mean, it’s not like Hawaii you know, the water is murky brown at the lake and you might not like how the bottom feels, not being sandy or anything like that...”
Me: “No, I suppose it’s not like Hawaii...”  It’s not like Hawaii???  I knew that, I knew that, not like Hawaii, it’s Kansas.  I wonder if Jimmy Choo makes water shoes?  “Is there anything else I should bring or know about to  prepare the kids?”  I know how to prepare myself... Valium, Costco sized boxes of wine, perhaps a straight jacket...
I got off the phone and rushed to the mirror to make sure my makeup was still intact and that I still looked as gorgeous as ever.  Phew!  It was only a dream, or maybe a nightmare, or, did that phone call even happened?  And then my children’s cheer of, “We’re going to Kansas... we’re going to Kansas!” brought me back to the harsh reality called, ‘Pack your bags, grab your inhaler, you’re going to Kansas!”   
Well, the pot of ‘I really don’t want to do this’ is empty, I guess I should start gathering things from my list.  If I make it back alive, I’m sure I’ll be a chain smoker, but I’ll let you know.  So go on now, save the tears... until next time my Lovely...  
Ta Ta!  xoxo

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I'm HOT, You're NOT! Become a MILF in 5 Easy Steps

Well Hello my Dear!  Back for more controversy?  Of course you are and I’ve got a fresh pot ready to fill your cup...
Today’s blend is 100% pure MILF.  You do know what a MILF is, right?  Let me give you a brief description just in case...  A MILF is the Mommy that all the teen boys go ga ga over.  A MILF is the Mommy that other Mommys’ husbands sneak a peek to look at.  A MILF is a Mommy that most Mommys can’t stand but secretly wishes to be like her.  MILF stands for Mommys I’d Like to Fuuu... oh you get my point!  So today, for those of you who need that bit of added spark in your ordinary routine, I’m going to help you become more like me!  Ooooh, how fun, I LOVE helping out my Mommy Pals!  Let’s get started...
  1. Show some skin.  Yes my Darling, you read it right.  You are not Mary Mother of God, for goodness sakes have some fun!  Wearing sweatpants and a long sleeve T with a hoodie, no matter how colorful and coordinated it is, has NO sex appeal.  None... Nada!  And those leggings with a big shirt, are never, NEVER in style.  It makes one look like cotton candy, you know, floaty, big on top, and a skinny holder at the bottom.  Not a flattering look and NO it does not cover what you are trying to hide.  Put on something fitted every so often, maybe a v neck with a favorite necklace.   Be beautiful and be the sensual woman that you are and wear something flattering.   
  2. Put on some lipstick.  “But Caffe, it takes too much time!”  I am not going to let you off the hook on this one.  A little bit of sheer color added to those wonderfully, kissable lips can go a long way and it takes 30 seconds to apply.  While you’re at it, add a stroke of a neutral color across your big, flirty, eyelids and top it off with a quick coat of mascara.  Done.  All in 5 minutes.  Now go experiment and bat your pretty little eyes at the mailman or the grocery store clerk and see if you don’t get a smile from them.
  3. Put on something fragrant.  I’m not suggesting that you spray an entire bottle of Coco Chanel to take your kids to the park, but I am encouraging you to smell pretty.  It may be a wonderful smelling lotion, or a light perfume that reminds you of a hot night with the one you love.  Hot, hmmm... heat or sexy?, your choice!  The power of  scent is as old as the “oldest profession” known to mankind.  Well that’s an interesting thought! 
  4. Colorful panties.  Again, stop staring at the words like you don’t know what I’m saying and close your mouth.  Come on girlz, it’s just soooooo much fun to wear sexy little undies that only YOU know about!  Maybe share a peek with those who might be interested in what color you have on today.  You don’t have to wear a thong if that’s not your thing... but DO wear something that makes you feel girly.  I don’t care if you’re 62 years old.  Have fun, be sexy, wear some fun leopard print and let your inner animal shine through!
  5. Attitude.  That’s right.  Another word for attitude, sex appeal.  Sexy is good!  A very close friend of mine says that to me all the time, and do you know what?  It's true.  Flirt, bat your eyelashes, put on sexy undergarments, and please remember, you’ve got one life to be who you want to be.  We’ve all heard it before, you are what you believe yourself to be, so believe that you are a MILF!
I believe that I need to go through my newest Victoria’s Secret catalogue.  They’re having a big sale and I always need a few more bright colors to add to my never ending collection.  So excuse me, I’ve got to go... if you need a refill, help yourself... OH?, it’s empty?  Well then off you go... Come back next time when I have a fresh pot of controversy ready to go and tell me all about the steps you’ve taken to be more like Moi.  Until next time, Ta Ta!  

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Dos & Don'ts of the Summertime Mommy

Welcome, welcome, so glad you're here! I've got a freshly brewed pot of controversy ready to go... let me fill your cup! Today's blend is a little bit of summer, a dash of Mommy, and always a sprinkle of humor. Make yourself comfortable as I've got some Mommy Lessons headed your way.

Now that school is coming to an end and summer is upon us, we need to be reminded of our ever changing roles as Mommys. Like the changing seasons, our common sense must be in sync with the weather and summertime is a critical time for fine tuning our Mommy P's and Q's. With so many outdoor activities to attend, let's go over a few do's and don'ts of the befitting summertime Mommy and take some mental notes, shall we?

  • DO make sure you have sunscreen with you and apply evenly.
  • DON'T have your teenage son's friend help you get the middle of your back. And while I'm at it, don't ask someone else's husband either.
  • DO have outdoor gatherings with friends and family.
  • DON'T have so many wine coolers that you can't find your rump OR your children and you're stumbling across the lawn calling your child's name and asking those around you if they've seen Billy.
  • DO have a proper cover up that can take you from the pool to an outdoor cafe.
  • DON'T confuse the meaning of casual attire for cut off, ripped up shorts and a bikini top. And if you DO get confused, at least make sure your rear isn't hanging out or that the holes in your shorts are not in inappropriate places.
  • DO dress Mommy appropriate when in the company of many small children and teenaged boys.
  • DON'T wear your thong on family beach days or wear skimpy clothing to the neighborhood barbecue. Wearing less than your teenage daughter makes for good gossip around the 'hood at your expense and embarrasses your children as they will find out from your neighbors kids what's being said about you.
Now I know that we've all seen Moms that can be quite forgetful when it comes to summertime Mommy etiquette, so pass this reminder on to those that might need a little extra help with their Mommy manners. OH, my goodness we've emptied the pot again! Well I guess it's a good thing, as I plan on going to the store to find myself a lipstick that matches my thong, uh... I mean my bikini... Well off you go, shoo... until next time! Ta Ta!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Shameless Flaunting & the Bloggers Who LOVE Me!

Hello my dear Friend. Happy to see you again! Come on in and let me fill your cup...

I need to get this out in the open as I have been a very naughty girl! This past week I’ve been awarded the Stylish Blogger Award! How wonderful and I absolutely deserve it and Char over at The Epic Adventures of a Modern Mom thinks so too as she is the Stylish Blogger who recognizes my savvy style and my oh so clever ways with lipstick. Then a few days later, The Versatile Blogger Award came my way and Lindy over at Lindy Legends and Other Such Nonsense thinks I’m absolutely AWESOME, of course she does as Lindy and I are like minded!

Now for my naughty girl confession... I didn’t follow any of the rules that come along with accepting these awards. They’re my awards and I can do whatever I want with them, rules shmules! Then the devil and angel on my shoulder started arguing and the next thing you know, the angel swept the devil’s leg and put the sucker into a headlock! A few minutes later, my conscience is bothering me and now I’m ‘fessing up. Why, oh why must I be so perfect in every way? My goodness, I’m feeling a bit frazzled and I need to touch up my makeup!

The traditions of these awards are very similar. I’m supposed to tell you 7 things about myself that you didn’t know and then I’m supposed to link who gave it to me and then pass the award on to 7, 10, or 15 (depending on whose rules you’re looking at) blogs that I think is most fab and let them know. Then you’re supposed to check out my discoveries and hopefully make a new friend. PHEW!!!! This receiving an award business is hard work, I’d much prefer that my next award be a nice shade of mauve for my lips!

So here we go...

  1. I’m a gorgeous brunette
  2. My oldest child is 13
  3. Today my favorite lipstick is Estee Lauder in Tiramisu
  4. I love watching the birds playing in the fountain in my backyard
  5. I got carded twice in the past 3 months with the response of, “I would of never guessed that!” It made my day and now I’m a forever loyal customer.
  6. I live in South Orange County on the beachside of the 5 freeway, yes, it makes a difference, and nowhere near Coto De Caza (Coto is inland out in the boonies not at all close to the beach) where those supposed TV Housewives live.
  7. I am a homeschool Mommy

Okay, not so bad, my lipstick is still on... now I need to decide on some blogs, OH MY, I’ve got 2 awards to give away!!! How am I going to this? Of course I can do this, I’ll do it my way as I am quite capable and not easily deterred.

I’ve made three categories for these awards...

  1. For some of you, this is your first award... Congratulations as you deserve to be in the spotlight and show off your pure Diva-ness! Because there are 2 awards, choose the one that looks best on your blog and display it proudly!
  2. There are those of you who already have one of these fabulous awards, grab the other and know you are QUEEN!
  3. The last category is for those of you that already have both. What? Yes, you’re receiving both awards from me to remind you that you are still as fabulous as the first time you received these awards. Do nothing and just enjoy basking in the glory of your continuing success!

In no particular order, these blogs made me smile, got me thinking, or just made me laugh out loud. Please visit these blogs and let them know that I’ve sent you.

  1. Not So Silent Mommy
  2. Mommy Inconsistent
  3. The Zany Housewife
  4. One Mixed Bag
  5. Bring Mommy the Vodka
  6. The Frantic Ravings of a Mother
  7. The Suburban Princess Diaries
  8. Karen's Healthy Lifestyle
  9. Organic Enchilada
  10. Fork Fabrikationz
Well now, my cup is empty and I need to fix my lipstick. I'm feeling much better now that the little angel on my shoulder has stopped kicking me! Come back again and I'll fix you a nice cup of warm controversy. Ta Ta! xoxo

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Lipstick, Better Than Peanut Butter!

Hello, hello my dear friend! So delighted to have your company. My goodness, it’s been awhile hasn’t it? I’ve been so busy sitting in front of my vanity experimenting with colorful lipsticks and eyeshadows that I completely lost myself in the moment of my Diva-Ness! Let me fill your cup and you make yourself comfortable. Are you good? Good!

Living in the OC there are so many beautiful places and beautiful faces. With all this beauty around me, I like to keep current on all the latest and greatest little beauty finds that keep my reflection in the mirror oh, so divine!

With summer around the corner, I like to keep my beauty routine to a bare minimum and instead, exude my natural exotic beauty with a few key items. I never said I was modest when it comes to how I look in the mirror... but hey, I DO love sharing beauty products that I can’t live without, at least until the next colorful lipstick rolls my way!

One of my favorite places to purchase beauty in a jar is at Target. I didn’t plan on Target for my beauty needs, I love the counters at the fancy department stores and the seductive fragrances that come with, but for some reason the cosmetic aisles at Target always avert my eyes from being focused on my ‘to get list’ of the day. It must be the lighting and colors that make my eyes do a double take whenever I pass these aisles! No wonder the cosmetic companies pay bank for their marketing, it’s working and their hypnotic affect they have on a lipstick fiend like me with all those wonderful colors... Accckkkk.... I just can’t take it! I’ll take one in Savy, one in Sweet Crimson, one in Berry Wine...

My list says ‘peanut butter’ and there is definitely not a jar of creamy Jif sitting across from Revlon. I know that. My kids know that. But I like to pretend that it’s just a quick pit stop and that the peanut butter is near by the lipsticks and I can see the peanut butter from the reflection of the cellophane wrapper that the lipsticks are in so that means the Jif is near by. But it’s not.

At the check out counter I have about a dozen new lipsticks and OH MY GOSH, I forgot the peanut butter! But now that I’ve spent all that time entranced by beautiful colors, I don’t have time to run back to get the Jif and the lines have gotten long. Oh well, I’ll put it on my list for next time!

Oh my, I’ve gone down the path of endless lipsticks and no peanut butter! I was supposed to chat about favorite beauty items for summer and somehow my delirious behavior took over with no self control from my part and now the pot is empty! The pot is empty? Oh good! That’s my cue to go fix my lipstick...

Ta Ta! xoxo
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